Show Business

Show up for yourself – these are the words written in an article by my favorite blog writer, Glennon Melton of www.momastery.com (so worth checking out!) It’s rather ironic timing as I have been trying to find my muse for writing a new article.  Glennon was on vacation and I was not feeling passionate about any particular subject, and low and behold, her first full article after her vacation inspires me.  So, she is the Scarlett Johansen to my Woody Allen; except I don’t really believe I am Woody Allen.

Show up for yourself; how do you do that?? I mean, how does a mother of two little ones living in a foreign country on maternity leave do that? How does someone in today’s society really do that?  With all the quotes I see posted by my friends on Facebook lately, I noticed the predominant theme is about change – to change us for the better.  But if we aren’t showing up for ourselves, how do we know that we do need to change; what do we need to change; why do we need to change?

I think we all have our own triangle representing three versions, of ourselves; three persons, if you will.  The first is the person we think we should be – configured by our tastes and desires which are influenced by friends, family, media, etc.  The second is the person that lies beneath like a pearl in an oyster:  beautiful, rare, and filled with glorious gifts that either we are in denial of their existence or we are too scared of exposure for criticism.  Then the third is the person who does the breathing in and out every day; the conductor of our daily lives and perhaps of the lives of other people around us.  So, when we show up for ourselves, which self are we showing up for truly? 

We seem to be a world caught up in the constant improvement of who we are.  If we are not the look, weight, status or profession that mainstream finds desirable then we are given all kinds of information and ways to change that.  My friend, an English teacher, and I were discussing the word unique lately and how it cannot be improved upon with a superlative, because it is a superlative.  There cannot be something more unique, because unique is already at its prime.  Just like something cannot be more perfect.  Yet, there are those who would have us believe that there is something as more perfect.  We are told there is a more perfect version of ourselves, but truly there is not! We are the perfect version and we are in our prime.  We do not need to improve ourselves! Maybe showing up for the self that is only acceptable to other people is not really showing up for us.  How can doing superficial changes to please anyone other than us be best? 

The person who is doing the daily run of our lives must be far too busy to show up for one more appointment. As a woman and mother, I find that I am very low in my line of thinking when I am running around during the day taking care of my house, husband and children.  I think it becomes instinctive to bump your place in line when you become a parent.  While I can once or twice a week work actively to give myself priority for five minutes for a cup of quiet coffee and reading, or go for a long bike ride with my little one in her bike seat, it does become a challenge to actively show up for myself completely.  I mean, hey, I do well to remember if I brushed my teeth or washed the conditioner out of my hair, when I have time to shower.

So this leaves us with the person we hold within.  The part of us that holds all the gifts we have to offer.  The gifts we have been talked out of revealing to the world out of fear that they won’t measure up, will be rejected, laughed at, jeered or, even worse, fail miserably.  Perhaps we have gifts we aren’t even aware of – like a buried treasure.  I think there was a singer a few years back on Britain’s Got Talent that just one day tried to sing and turned out he had a voice rivaling Pavarotti.  While I would LOVE to sing opera, I doubt that is my hidden gift.  But I do believe that I, maybe like you, must have something that is unique and special that will make the world a better place.  Hell, at least it will make us better people. 

Show up for yourself - we have to do this now! There will be a time when we are no longer on the earth and we cannot wait until then to show up for what mattered most to our souls and spirits.  We owe it to ourselves – our innermost, unique, one-of-a-kind selves.  How do we show up for ourselves?  We try, as hard as we possibly can, to take time to think about US – nobody else – but only US.  We think long and hard about what our heart and child-version of us within really wants for US.  I will not think that if I looked like Catherine Zeta-Jones, had Oprah’s fortunes, and had every label of expensive merchandise to wear, drive and live in I would be the best version of myself.  I will work to be the truest version of me that I can be so that I am the best version of a person for myself and, by extension, my family and friends.

The world can beat us down into submission, where the materialistic self is born.  As children we had dreams and aspirations that were limitless.  Let’s revisit these because they lie within our beauty hidden within.  Let’s show up for ourselves – and make the tapestry of the world a far less monotone masterpiece.

What I Know....

The other day a dear friend wrote “What are the facts, and what am I assuming?” On the last page of every O Magazine publication is Oprah’s article “What do I know for sure?” Ironically, I received my recent issue in the mail on the same day as I read my friend’s Facebook status.  This caused an interesting ping-pong tournament in my head. 

We have constitutions and other documents for our countries, we have laws written, maps drawn, we know the alphabets and numbers – but outside of that, what do we really know?  This is when the answer came to me – it depends on what your source of wisdom is.  For some people, their hearts, souls, spirits and faith are their source of what is true in the world.  For others, it is the absolutes in numbers, laws, and science.  Maybe we aren’t one or the other, but shades of both.  It is in these sources that we are given confidence and certainty that lead us to what we know.

In assuming we trust and have faith in uncertainties and unknowns – we have hope in things where perhaps there is no source of knowledge or proof.  I think this where faith comes in most.  I suppose there are people where what they know and what they assume are based on the same source.  I was not sure where I was on the spectrum.  So, I sat down and wrote what I believe I know and what I assume. 

Here is what I know:

§  God loves everyone

§  Gravity usually wins

§  Evil does breed more evil

§  Cancer does not care about your age or status

§  People are impressionable and sensitive

§  I never knew or understood love until I met my husband

§  I never understood pure joy until I had my children

§  My children are more beautiful and precious than I ever thought humanly possible

§  It is ok to check that your baby is breathing when he/she is asleep.

§  You never understand your mother until you are a mother yourself

§  Working 80-90 hours per week for your job will never prepare you for motherhood

§  Working 80-90 hours per week because it is necessary to get work done and because it is expected is the pure definition of insanity

§  If anyone in your life is toxic, cut them loose

§  Hockey players can be the best brother-figure a girl could ask for

§  A friend who will drive a U-Haul truck across the country and help unload your furniture is a friend worth keeping

§  The test of marriage potential in your partner is how you are together on a road trip

§  If all you want is a job title but are unwilling to do the work, then you don’t deserve the job and you are probably not following the right path.

§  You should be active in fitness – it allows you to have a relationship with your body and understand it better.

§  Taking walks with your husband helps keep the communication open.

§  Microwaves really aren’t necessary

§  If you find a quick fix to a serious problem, then you probably have not solved the problem

§  There is such a thing as reading too many books or seeing too many movies – keep in touch with reality

§  Nature is more beautiful than material possessions

§  Have the courage to do something you desire without seeking approval

§  If it rains, things get wet 

 I am assuming that:

§  The weather reporters and market analysts have the forecast correct – at least for the current day

§  My money is safe in the banks

§  Other people in Germany understand my broken German

§  The love I put out is given back

After writing all of this down, I realize that I know more than I thought.  I had to look deep within my heart and mind, but the knowledge was there. 

Maybe the answer to what we know and assume is only within ourselves and cannot be duplicated or carbon copied to another person.  I am never 100% certain of anything outside of my husband and children, so I will continue to seek for what I know and what I assume and the wisdom to know the difference.

The Wizard of Moms

Growing up I loved to read any book that took me into new worlds.  My favorite book, and movie, was “The Wizard of Oz”.   I found the story magical and captivating.  I must have read the book fifty times and seen the movie over one hundred times.  Like many girls, I wanted to be Dorothy with the ruby slippers and sing and dance with the munchkins. Now, as a mother, I wish I could be one of Dorothy’s travel companions on her journey to see the Wizard: The Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion.   I like to imagine that now the Wizard would be servicing mothers in helping them with what they need in order to be a good mom. 

Upon making it to the Emerald City, I would need to decide on asking for a brain, a heart or for courage.  Pregnancy made me go into a parallel stupidity universe that I have yet to emerge.  I remember when I was pregnant with my firstborn and getting off the bus to go to the flat my husband and I had at the time.  I stood there for a long time looking at the buildings and totally not remembering where we lived.  Fortunately, a neighbor walked by so I followed him.  I knew he knew where he was going.  Nowadays I do well to remember if I brushed my teeth, what day of the week it is, or if I washed the shampoo out of my hair.  Yes, a brain would come in handy.  However, being a bit brainless has made me rather humorous to my children.  They revel in my ditsy, Jim Carrey-like faces or my spontaneous disco moments.  I think a mother is reversed perhaps not into stupidity, but into a more child-like mind.  So, maybe my brain is better left out of my head for a few more years.

The cruelest part of mothering is the fact that we are the bad cop.  We are the enforcers of rules and discipline and have to be the instigators of many sad tears on our children’s precious faces.  I think our hearts go along with our brains and take a leave of absence.  I think if my heart were any more present than it already is, I would fail miserably at instilling the parameters and boundaries my children need because I would cave every time I would see their little angelic mouths start to frown. 

Courage is defined by John Wayne as “being scared to death but saddling up anyway”.  That is what being a mother truly is - a terrifying role, but one you have to take on daily whether you are ready or not.  Courage is what I would ask the Wizard to grant for me.  I am constantly looking for the courage to do what is best for my kids.  It’s amazing how quickly you can see the mistakes you make as a parent.  I often wish for a time machine so I can go back and get a ‘do over’ on many situations where I did not have the courage to do what my instincts told me.  There are so many voices of advice coming at you when you have children and you start to doubt yourself and lean more on these outside voices.  The problem turns into the voices drowning out your own voice.  I want the courage to follow my own voice. 

I also wish for the courage to allow my children to grow into themselves, being individuals, rather than any mold I may think they need to fit into.  I hope they always feel safe to express themselves and encouraged to be anything they want to become.  I hope I never discourage their creativity or ambitions.  I pray that my voice never drowns their instincts.  I hope I can push them when needed and pull back when necessary.  I will need strength to have conversations that are awkward but essential in their well being and safety.  I wish for resolve to move from aviator to navigator as they grow up and become self-sufficient. 

My hands will need to be brave to let go and let them fall down – both figuratively and literally. My arms will need the strength to let them go from our home to wherever their pursuits may take them.  My tongue will need audacity as I say what needs to be said, and to stay silent when it is not my business anymore.  My heart will need the nerve to allow them to fall in love and have families of their own. Most of all, my head will need to be strong as I move from being the president of the family’s child raising business into retirement.

As the Wizard of Moms grants me my wish for courage and I click my heels together three times to return home, I carry my medal of courage with me.  I hope that I keep it near me every day as I jump into the saddle of motherhood – not for my sake, but for my children.  This is my promise to them that I hope and pray my brain and heart never forget.